Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
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[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I just love that new Pope smell.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.