EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…