I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
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only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
when you are just born a rebel
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.