The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
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Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!