fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
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Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”