Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
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-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free