When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
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I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
The Birdles
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.