Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
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My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows