Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
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doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.