If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
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NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant