Donkey Kong sommelier
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me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
How about daylight saves us for once
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.