Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
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Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
my mind
You just read my mind
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.