Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
You Might Also Like
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
December birthdays be like…
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!