– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
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me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra