her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
You Might Also Like
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]