Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
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Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Word!
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast