wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
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Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
yeah no that’s fair
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.