12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
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very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
If I ignore life will it go away?
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.