I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
You Might Also Like
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
when you order from DoorDastardly
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.