There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
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Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.