I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
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[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Stick it to the man
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”