5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
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I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*