I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
You wish you had this many chins.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.