You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
You Might Also Like
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I need this for my side hustle.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.