I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
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Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
My purse is deeper than some people.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.