Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought