emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
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“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Woke up against my better judgement again
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
True
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons