Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
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Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time