In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
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ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.