“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
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Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”