Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
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A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Blew my mind.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
#oldknees
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought