Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
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homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
What the hell happened here.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony