[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
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“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party