My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
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“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
“That’s what” – She
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
The Backseat Boys
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.