I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
You Might Also Like
Florida man
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
😍😂🥰😂😍
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.