Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
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Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I鈥檓 a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
me: i鈥檓 sorry i haven鈥檛 been on twitter much lately, my employer says i鈥檓 expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i鈥檓 essential.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Not now. I鈥檓 deglazing.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman鈥檚 bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn鈥檛 reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
馃幎 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 馃幎
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can鈥檛 wear a blanket to work
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.