My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
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Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.