Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
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Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.