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[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
the clam before the storm
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”