People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
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“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden: