THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
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Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
this is how life feels
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
(more comics:
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog