Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
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I have so many questions.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.