Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
You Might Also Like
*puts words between two asterisks*
We’re all getting idioter.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Maths meets science
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…