I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
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You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.