BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
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Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”