I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
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Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
very niche meme I made
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Close call…
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
A double negative is a big no-no.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
what do you want!!!!!!!!