My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
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Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Oh we’ve met.
Not today.. 😂
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!