[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
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terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
this is uni
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.