If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
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Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
necessity is the mother of invention
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Important reminders
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
another case of gang violins
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk