[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
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What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Strangers have the best candy.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.